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|2nd Feb 2013, 10:33 PM||The Scumthorpe Files #1|
Okay, so if you don't know, MinghamSmith has been for some time now posting for us the tales of his evil legacy family the Scumthorpes. Their Wacky and Dysfunctional family has provided many a mad cackle in the readers of the "OMG WTF ARE YOU DOING" thread and occasionally in the "What's happening in your game right now?". So much so it's been suggested that a thread or blog for the family should be started.
We are now on page 84 of the thread and the posts of the Scumthorpes' life have been going on since page 42(the earliest post of them I can find with a search). So for the new readers to enjoy, here is a compiled thread of the Scumthorpes and hope that MinghamSmith will continue to give us many more tales to enjoy.
In the interests of not having everyone wait as every single picture in the thread loads(and there are *alot* of pictures) I'm putting the pics behind spoiler tags. Further editing to be done as needed.
Without further ado, the first post with recognizable Scumthorpes (PS: had to not do it as quotes to show the pic)s:
EDIT: Couple I missed, thanks to BL00DIEDHELL for the links: Baby Sprog Expressions and An introduction to his parents
MinghamSmith: 17th Jun 2012, 02:16 PM I had a woman announce her pregnancy to the father. This happened:
MinghamSmith:14th Jul 2012, 05:31 AM Recently, my cartoonishly evil joke family, the Scumthorpes, converted their entire backyard and most of the land surrounding their disastrous mess of a house into an elaborate mining operation based around diamonds and Tiberium in an attempt to make more money. Even though they were already wealthier than the Altos and the Goths by miles.
In response, logic and sanity threw up their hands and took a holiday.
As you'd expect, about half the neighbourhood dropped in to complain about the noise over the next few hours, with aliens, elves, a singing telegram girl and some very confused-looking EA premades making an appearance.
But does family patriarch Larry Scumthorpe give a damn?
No. No he doesn't.
oh god why is he doing this in his underpants
Even more disturbingly, mining toxic alien space rocks for hours also caused him to roll a want for 10 children and frequently get himself in the mood for babymaking.
Guys, I think he might have a fetish for mechanised industry.
MinghamSmith: 21st Jul 2012, 11:21 AM So after rolling an inexplicable want for 10 children during a Tiberium mining operation, one of my main evil sims managed to father his sixth, seventh and eighth children with his embarrassingly young trophy wife in one go. In saner, more conventional families, this would be a happy occasion, marked by baby showers, congratulations and slight concerns about how to ensure your triplets all get enough love and care.
Being the worst person in the universe, however, Larry Scumthorpe instead spent the entire evening drinking himself into oblivion and then welcomed his new progeny to the world by heckling them following a messy home birth where they all spawned in a disorderly puddle on the floor.
So what did these babies grow into upon becoming toddlers?
Well, perhaps it was a predictable side effect of their parents making their fortune mining toxic alien space rocks with mutagenic properties, but some of the new members of the villainous Scumthorpe dynasty turned out to be... more than a little off.
Meet the relatively normal-looking but very unfortunately-named Lolita Scumthorpe-Trollope:
Her sister Carrie, who kind of looks like Alma from F.E.A.R grew up and had a baby with the Phantom of the Opera:
And their brother Lester, who OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT IS THAT THING
More to come as I dig them up from the threads of history.
|2nd Feb 2013, 10:40 PM||#2|
This is going to be an amazing thread.
Can I suggest that you link to the posts in the OMG WTF ARE YOU DOING thread though? Otherwise the OP will be huge. I have a bunch of links to the vast majority of Mingham's posts because I am a creepy stalke- uh, I mean, been super amused by the family's exploits.
|2nd Feb 2013, 10:41 PM||#3|
Join Date: Dec 2006
I love you for this!
|2nd Feb 2013, 10:44 PM||#4|
MinghamSmith: 23rd Jul 2012, 03:43 PM Earlier, one of my sims was teaching his baby half-sister to talk. Aww, good for him, stepping in to act as a parental figure in the absence of their evil, useless excuse for a father!
So what new words and ideas did he introduce her to that afternoon? What were his main priorities when trying to help a young mind to develop?
Well, among other things:
fuck the police
The guy took a break after his attempt to explain human mortality to the under-fives in order to feed his hungry little half-sister a bottle, but for some reason they immediately began talking about death again afterwards. He then apparently introduced her to the concept of money.
I'm not seeing any coherent logic in his teaching style at all.
...Wait, did he just offer to pay a toddler to assassinate somebody?
MinghamSmith: 25th Jul 2012, 02:05 PM Having grown bored with her bland diet of formula milk and processed baby food, little Carrie searches for something tastier.
should i be concerned about this
MinghamSmith: 26th Jul 2012, 05:24 PM
godammit Lester you're the creepiest baby ever
yes you are
Well, at least you're sticking to devouring the souls of imaginary beings rather than those of actual people. At least, I think that's what you're trying to do here. Frankly, I don't really want to know.
HATERS GONNA HATE
MinghamSmith: 29th Jul 2012, 10:15 PM Earlier, 2/3 of a set of triplets (named Lester and Lolita Scumthorpe) learned to talk and started chatting with each other, having figured out how to do so a few days after their sister Carrie. The resulting conversation was... precocious. And more than a little disconcerting.
What's this? Oh, just some babies discussing the economy. Nothing interesting to see here.
Along with a debate over... domestic violence? Current divorce rates? The breakdown of the nuclear family and its implications for the current generation of sims? I'd normally be shocked that a couple of 1-year-olds are even fully aware of the concept of relationships going down the toilet, but given how horribly dysfunctional the Scumthorpe dynasty is I guess the only surprising thing here is that they're articulate enough to have a coherent conversation about it.
what are you planning here babies
what are you planning
An engagement ring?
An engagement ring?
Ok, Lester, I need to highlight a couple of very important issues here: You're far, far too young to be discussing anything even vaguely linked to romantic relationships, and unless I'm very much mistaken you're proposing to your own sister. Please, for the love of god, talk about literally anything else before this post goes from baffling to downright nightmarish-
-Yeah, ok, jellyfish. That doesn't sound creepy or incestuous. Just have a nice, normal toddler conversation about jellyfish and other poisonous marine lifeforms.
Wait, what the hell?
|2nd Feb 2013, 10:44 PM||#5|
And all the maladies of the world burst forth from Pandora's cooch
Join Date: Jun 2011
OMG, I was just thinking the other day about how someone should do this. But I agree with Bloodiedhell, linking to the posts would probably be a better way, as then they could all be listed in one post, and then just edited to add new ones.
|2nd Feb 2013, 10:46 PM||#6|
I'll edit in links to the posts in my responses but I'm going to try and break up the posts over several of my own. As you say, otherwise the OP is going to be to big to load.
|2nd Feb 2013, 10:48 PM||#7|
Alright, I'll go grab the links and send them to you via PM. :3
|2nd Feb 2013, 11:02 PM||#8|
While we're waiting and editing links, more posts dug up:
MinghamSmith: 31st Jul 2012, 09:14 PM And now, more QUALITY PARENTING from my town. Along with another case of animations working perfectly for totally different scenarios to whatever they're meant to represent.
Go on, idiot, play with your baby. I know you're a depressingly corrupt industrialist who loves nothing else in the world so much as money and power, but it's not exactly hard. Here, I'll guide you through it.
Left click ---> Attack With The Claw.
That's it. Even you can't screw this up.
Hey, what's that on your hand-
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY
And so the psychologists of SimNation were granted a golden opportunity to research the previously-unknown effects of PTSD on 1-year-olds.
Every cloud has a silver lining, I guess. Even if the cloud in question is a horrifying claw gauntlet being gleefully waved around at a baby girl by her own father.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE THE WORST GODDAMNED PARENT IN THE UNIVERSE
MinghamSmith: 1st Aug 2012, 05:43 AM *Editors note: The first part was in response to someone asking if the Scumthorpes were on the exchange for downloading*
I haven't yet, though I guess I could try uploading them to somewhere. Master Controller would be necessary to edit their family relationships, though, there's way too many of them to fit in a single household. Just what SimNation needs, a powerful and influential family with a genetic predisposition to evil that tend to breed like rats.
If nobody has a problem with me spending a post explaining it, their family tree is... complicated. To avoid getting too off-topic, though, I'll include some silly pictures of the lesser-known members of the family for everyone to laugh at:
Original couple: Larry and Honoria Scumthorpe
Compared to the rest of the family, Larry Scumthorpe's first wife Honoria rarely appears in screenshots on account of being dead. Having been fatally shot by Larry when I tried testing Desecrate's Weapons System, she occasionally shows up as a ghost to bicker about things and annoy him.
Amusingly, they're listed as Old Enemies in the relationship panel whenever she appears.
Before the disastrous collapse of their marriage, Larry and Honoria had the following four children, all of whom are now young adults:
- Alice Scumthorpe, the only genuinely nice member of the entire family and the only pretty one. Seriously, how did the absolute cesspit that is the Scumthorpe genepool produce someone like this?
Alice spent a long time dead just after becoming a young adult (she glitched out, froze in place and starved to death, which I chose to interpret as a mental breakdown resulting from having to live with everyone else in the family) until one of her brothers stole her urn from the family home and made Ambrosia for her, thus making her simultaneously the oldest and the middle child. Since then, she's started dating a female elf. Good for her, unlike most of her relatives she's actually capable of a healthy relationship. :D
-Spurgin Scumthorpe, a fat, neckbeardy internet troll who up until recently lived in the family basement and wrote crappy sci-fi novels for a living. He's since made the major lifestyle change of moving out of his dad's house... and into someone else's basement.
Notable works: A dreadful 15-book series known as The Adventures of Thrust Rogerson, an unsuccessful fantasy novel I can't remember the name of, The History of 4chan, vol. I and an incomprehensible pregnancy book called how is babby formed.
-Rick Scumthorpe, an obnoxious, moronic douchebag who literally nobody likes. Usually left to feed the babies because neither his dad nor his stepmother can be bothered, has a personality roughly equivalent to a Romance sim but has yet to actually lose his virginity. He's Mean-Spirited, but ultimately too pathetic to be genuinely hurtful.
I know the game refrains from mentioning alcohol to keep the rating down. But there is no way he isn't drunk here.
-Darius Scumthorpe, an outright supervillain. Who still has the moral high ground compared to the rest of his family, and usually goes by the name Darius Victor in an attempt to deny that he is a Scumthorpe at all. And also so he has an excuse to use variants of "history is written by the victors" as a cheesy villain catchphrase.
Here he is after paying a visit to the house he grew up in and detonating his dad's car.
He also resurrected his big sister as a young adult, owns a black cat called Ishtar and due to weird science is the "father" of a clone-son called Alexander and two Simbots called Killbot I and II. This probably makes him the most successful of Larry Scumthorpe's offspring so far. The irony of this is not lost on me.
Second couple: Larry and Kathryn Scumthorpe
After murdering his first wife and getting away with it, Larry married Kathryn Trollope, an embarrassingly blatant gold digger who at the time was younger than his own youngest son. Of course, being over twice your new trophy wife's age doesn't stop you from producing more kids. For whatever reason, this is where the really awful children began to show up:
-Sprog Scumthorpe, a miserable little ball of hatred and rage who goes far, far beyond his dad's cartoonish horribleness to the point where he's more or less an outright psychopath. As a child, his traits are Evil, Insane, Mean-Spirited and Pyromaniac, resulting in him frequently rolling creepy wants to watch his own family members die, openly rejoicing at the misery of others, suffering from a rebellious (good?) hand that frequently tries to strangle him and autonomously hissing and barking like an animal. Here he is somehow gaining the red Emperor of Evil glow despite being an elementary schooler.
(Well, an elementary schooler in theory, anyway. Mercifully for the rest of the town's children, he's never actually bothered to go to school. It cuts into his busy schedule of pointless violence, cruelty and sadism, and when it comes to the automatic Generations punishment system he just doesn't give a damn)
-Lester, Carrie and Lolita Scumthorpe, the bizarre Tiberium-addled babies seen in most of my recent posts. Lester is the emaciated, freaky-looking one, Carrie is the long-haired one who openly facepalmed at the rest of her family as a newborn and Lolita is the hilariously unfortunate one with pigtails. All three have imaginary friends at the moment, though for variety's sake I think I'll have Sprog snatch at least two of the dolls and throw them in the fire in front of them. It sounds like something he'd do.
So that's eight mostly-appalling children by two wives, with an age gap of multiple decades between the oldest and the youngest in real-world terms and one son who wants nothing to do with the family at all. It's like a modern comedy version of the Borgias at times.
Finally, there's also Larry's younger brother, Sid Scumthorpe. Sid is a lecherous middle-aged man who struts around in a leisure suit like it's still the '70s, drives a blatant midlife crisis car called the Compensator, has a hideous combover and may very well be the least trustworthy-looking man on earth.
Sid is also connected to a planned future addition to the family who'll probably show up when Supernatural comes out. Watch this space...
MinghamSmith: 3rd Aug 2012, 11:25 AM In the last week, I've noticed something bizarre: For reasons that probably only make sense to people with whatever horrifying genetic predisposition to insanity the Scumthorpes suffer from, EVERYONE hates Lolita Scumthorpe.
No, this is not a staged pair of pictures or a couple of separate incidents placed side by side. Within about 10 seconds of one another, both her parents stormed downstairs in their underwear and raged to the heavens about how much they despise their own baby girl.
A bit later, so did Sprog. Because Larry and Kathryn just didn't provide enough misplaced hatred and anger there.
In addition, Sprog automatically does a triumphant fistpump whenever he hears his little sister crying, and sometimes stops to laugh mockingly at her tears. Ok, he's Sprog and the sound of weeping children probably seems like the sweetest music to his vile little ears, but jesus christ. Even by Scumthorpe standards, Sprog is completely irredeemable.
As far as I can tell, this is the only time Lolita was ever actually held by her mother. Given Kathryn's obvious opinion on the matter, that's probably a good thing.
But don't worry, Lolita isn't a totally helpless figure in this household. As much as the Scumthorpes manage to violate virtually every rule of human decency in SimNation, they're still bound by certain conventions. Like the difficulties sims have always had with getting up stairs if anything's blocking the top or bottom of them.
Now guess where Lolita decided to sit down and play with her Imaginary Friend?
Also on a more topical note, a much happier bonus picture: Rick Scumthorpe apparently telling his baby half-sister about Seasons.
|2nd Feb 2013, 11:09 PM||#9|
MinghamSmith: 3rd Aug 2012, 05:51 PM
fairycake89 @Mingham Smith .. why is it seem to me disgusting that Larry sleeps in his socks and totally appropriate that the missus sleeps in her stockings?
Well, basically nobody can avoid looking awkward in nothing but underpants and a regular pair of socks. I admit, it's a deliberate costuming choice on my part. It makes screenshots that outfit appears in funnier, because as you point out it's not flattering at all.
That brings me onto a big part of the way I design sims: The most important thing to me in most cases is conveying a personality, not making them aesthetically pleasing. Larry Scumthorpe, for instance, is an over-the-top caricature of the sort of ruthless, greedy, slimy social climber that you love to hate, and so his outfits (particularly his sleepwear and his trademark leopard-print smoking jacket) are designed to look as awkward and tasteless as possible so you can immediately see the ridiculous, contemptible person he is. The same principles apply to his face, which owes more than a little to the sort of old-timey villain who ties damsels in distress to railroad tracks and is designed above all else to be expressive and well-suited to cartoonishly evil facial expressions.
He was actually my first ever TS3 sim, you know. Considering how much practice I've had making sims since then and how much CC I've accumulated, he and the other original Scumthorpes like Spurgin and Rick hold up shockingly well.
As for new thread content, earlier an Imaginary Friend doll teleported into a nursery to be nearer to small children, as they tend to do. Now, many people have pointed out the creepy, unsettling implications of those things lingering throughout their owner's life and becoming flesh-and-blood beings, myself included. But perhaps we're mistaken. Perhaps we're assuming the worst about an innocent little toy who just wants to love and be loved in return. Look at it, doesn't this picture just fill you with a sense of magic, joy and childhood nostalgia?
Why, yes, that's not ominous or sinister at all!
MinghamSmith: 5th Aug 2012, 04:54 PM So recently, the Scumthorpes realised they all absolutely suck at housekeeping and hired Gerry, who has to be the most smug-looking, lecherous butler I've ever seen. Every time Kathryn was nearby, he'd inevitably pull a face like this and start leering and flirting away:
It was at this point that I knew exactly what had to be done.
Hey, if you're stuck in a loveless, purely financially-motivated marriage to an aging sleazeball with multiple undiagnosed personality disorders and a questionable moustache, nobody's going to blame you for making out with the hired help just a bit, surely? Just keep things discreet and everything will turn out fi-
On the one hand, I should probably feel at least a bit bad about the sense of heartbreak and betrayal inevitably felt by anybody in this situation, along with the fact that a child just personally witnessed his own mother cheating. On the other hand, Sprog is a soulless abomination whose ability to feel anything other than rage, aggression and sadistic glee is questionable at best and AHAHAHAHAHA BEST LARRY EXPRESSION EVER
And so Larry Scumthorpe's second marriage came to an abrupt and ridiculous end. That's not hugely surprising, and at least nobody died this time around.
But what I was not prepared for was the single most nonchalant response to a divorce in the history of the universe:
"Eh, fuck it."
DON'T CARE, PLAYING TEMPEST
"...Erm, wow. Seriously? I mean... seriously? Damn, that's COLD."
And these aren't just coincidental pictures of funny expressions they made- I checked all their moodlets afterwards. Kathryn didn't get a negative breakup moodlet. Larry didn't get a negative breakup moodlet. Sprog didn't get Witnessed Betrayal despite being right there next to them. Even the babies didn't seem to care that their parents just suddenly left each other within the space of about 20 minutes, in a game where babies and toddlers normally have a bizarre psychic ability to detect this sort of thing and get mad about it. NOBODY in the entire Scumthorpe family gave a damn about this divorce.
Well, except for Carrie.
Carrie noticed. Carrie took such a mood hit from it that she instantly dropped into the red and continuously cried for the next 6 hours. When I hovered over her mood bar with the mouse, it didn't just say "miserable" or "uncomfortable." It said "depressed."
There are incompetent sims. There are evil sims. And then there are the sort of sims that inadvertently manage to give a baby depression.
MinghamSmith: 9th Aug 2012, 03:51 PM And now, a look back at an earlier period in the Scumthorpes' long and glorious history of being bizarre and terrible: Sprog's baby photos!
As I've previously demonstrated in places like the Sim Expressions and Emotions thread on the pictures board, baby Sprog had the uncanny ability to make otherwise cute and innocent toddler animations look shockingly unnerving purely through his inherent creepiness and limitless capacity for evil. But as time went by, I discovered that this ability wasn't just the result of a few fluke expressions and odd facial features, but ultimately extended to every single toddler action in the entire game.
That's not reading. That's plotting.
That's not pouting. That's a death threat.
That's not playing. That's showing off your latest murder implement.
and for the love of god that expression does not belong on a baby
One day, Spurgin managed to set himself on fire, and Sprog just sat there in his high chair, and watched, and laughed.
Because some babies aren't looking for anything logical, like love or care. They can't be bribed, scolded, reasoned, or negotiated with.
Some babies just want to watch the world burn.
...Oh, great, now he's Zombaby too or something.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT
NOT THIS AGAIN
Also, for those of you interested in sim genetics, around the time I took these screenshots I also went into CAS with Sprog and briefly switched to Young Adult to see what he'd ultimately become. This is apparently what future Sprog will look like:
One the one hand, considering half his genetics come from Larry Scumthorpe he's surprisingly not outright hideous in this picture.
On the other hand, this music goes unsettlingly well with it...
|2nd Feb 2013, 11:16 PM||#10|
MinghamSmith: 9th Aug 2012, 09:31 PM
[email protected] He's carrying a HAMMER? Don't tell me that's the same hammer from the "Bash with Hammer" option from Dexter the Bear...
It is. Guilty as charged.
(It didn't work, and I didn't expect it to)
Amusingly, though, upon getting the "children can't kill, hold your grudge until he's a teenager" message, he immediately responded with this priceless expression of disappointment at being unable to make anything die:
"Once I learn to walk, you will all learn to fear me."
On a related note, I tried that again more recently with him as a child. Again, it does actually work for screenshot purposes- he holds the weapon correctly and walks normally with it for a bit until the error message displays:
I'm kind of surprised, actually. Usually, this sort of thing inevitably leads to that horrifying stretching glitch, or some other graphics problem-
MinghamSmith: 13th Aug 2012, 07:33 AM To keep things from getting too Scumthorpe-centred, allow me to introduce another recurring comedic figure in my town.
Ever looked at the pink/red skintone slider and wondered what you're meant to do with it? I suppose there are many ways to utilize it depending on what you want out of the game. I know, for instance, that it'll probably be used for some fairies in Supernatural, and that a lot of people have already used it to make what I've seen referred to as Berry Sweet sims.
Being a rather more cynical person with a seemingly-inherent predisposition towards black humour, however, I made this instead:
Meet Malphas the Eternal. He lives in an abandoned concrete bunker on the outskirts of town, has a name nicked from Collin de Plancy's Dictionnaire Infernal and yet still somehow manages to be both the local Casanova and the sim with the highest celebrity rank in the area. No accounting for taste, I guess.
4-STAR CELEBRITY RATING, PATHETIC MORTALS! COUNT THEM! COUNT MY STARS!
On most days, you can usually find him strutting around town boasting, starting fires and hitting on anything without a Y chromosome. Occasionally, though, he does let his sensitive side show through all the swagger and hellfire:
JUST BECAUSE I COME FROM THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T CRY AT WEDDINGS
EVEN IF I DO SPEND HALF THE TIME STARING AT THE BRIDE'S ASS
...Ok, maybe not.
So you may be wondering, with all these bizarre inhuman entities running around my version of Sunset Valley even before the release of Supernatural, what happened to all the EA premades?
Uh, yeah, about that...
Let's take Lisa Bunch as a case study. Like many unfortunate sims in the aftermath of Late Night being released, Lisa Bunch was arbitrarily converted into a vampire by story progression despite being part of an extended Brady Bunch parody and therefore probably the least vampiric person in existence. She then ran across the aforementioned demonic counterpart to Don Lothario, had a one-night stand and was apparently somewhat careless about it.
Because three days later, this happened.
Immediately afterwards, though, I discovered that the rapidly-declining needs of pregnant sims do not mix well with vampirism. At all.
Why? Well, in the space of about 5 seconds after giving birth she lost control of her bladder, hit 0 Thirst and instantly crumbled to dust...
...leaving a bemused half-demon newborn stranded in a puddle of his own dead mother's ashes and wee.
And so Lucifer Bunch, aka Doombaby came into the world.
Aww, what a cute little hellspawn! Look how much he takes after his dad!
Of course, Doombaby wasn't an isolated incident. At least four more red, imp-like half-demon toddlers have appeared in Sunset Valley since, three of them being a set of triplets born to an already-married woman with a human husband who dislikes children. One can't help but be concerned for the future of the local genepool- due to a combination of this and my stubborn insistence on including alien babies several months prior to the release of Seasons, the town's human birthrate has almost totally collapsed and been overtaken about four times by the number of inhuman/mutant births.
When the only human babies born in recent memory were all Scumthorpes. you know your community is doomed.
MinghamSmith: 17th Aug 2012, 04:36 PM Given that most of my posts revolve around the recent escapades of Larry Scumthorpe and his hopelessly inadequate heirs, some of you may be wondering: What happened to Darius Scumthorpe, Larry's hated third son who ditched the family entirely, changed his surname to Victor and began a successful career in professional supervillainy?
Well, after blowing up his first evil lair before the Altos could stumble across it while building all the Showtime venues in Sunset Valley, he moved into a hidden base under an ordinary, unassuming suburban house with his cat, clone-son and robot henchmen, resurrected his dead sister Alice with Ambrosia and took to amusing himself by repeatedly detonating his dad's car at inopportune moments.
In the middle of all this, he also began dating an aspiring actress named Veronica Vale. And yesterday evening, he decided to propose to her.
Hey, supervillains need love too, I guess. And it's about time the Emperor of Evil found his empress.
So you've got yourself engaged. Your partner's ecstatic, your future seems brighter and thanks to the ring your wallet is lighter. Surely the first thing to do is to call everyone and tell them the good news?
Well, not in this case. If you're Darius Victor, first you'll have to painstakingly explain the basic concept of marriage to a mechanical bodyguard called Killbot I.
...This could take a while.
WHAT IS THIS THING YOU CALL LOVE
ROBOT APPROVAL: CONFIRMED
Alice Scumthorpe seemed delighted with the news of her brother's engagement too. This would have made for a perfect happy family moment if she hadn't spent the next hour or so unable to take her eyes off her future sister-in-law's cleavage.
So everyone went into the lounge, Killbot I put some music on and the newly-engaged couple shared this cute moment. Now, how best to celebrate the occasion? Perhaps open a bottle of champagne, drink a toast, then share a romantic dance together-
-Oh, wait, Seasons isn't out for another three months and slow dancing hasn't been added back in yet.
What to do?
FUCK IT, LET'S DO THE VICTORY DANCE ANYWAY
AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE AN EVIL ENGAGEMENT PARTY
And then this happened.
I've seen many, many strange scenarios play out in this game. Ghost drivers, men threatening babies with claw gauntlets, aliens probing each other rather than humans, the list goes on. But I still never expected to witness an evil clanking doombot doing a guido fistpump dance while staring longingly at his creator's sister.
Well, at least Alice didn't seem to mind-
-Wait, is she giving flirty looks to a robot?
...I guess that answers that question.
Then they paired up. And their dance went on. And on. And on.
Oh, for god's sake, you two, just kiss already!
And so a supervillain, an actress, a resurrected dead girl and a robot all danced the night away together until sunrise the next morning. Logic and sanity be damned, they were celebrating.
...You know what? To be honest, I find that strangely heartwarming.
With considerable emphasis on "strangely."
|2nd Feb 2013, 11:35 PM||#11|
MinghamSmith: 22nd Aug 2012, 07:57 PM And now, another set of absurd screenshots from a while back documenting how Lester, Carrie and Lolita Scumthorpe came into the world.
A word of warning: It isn't pretty.
We've all seen less than ideal Sim births. Pregnant sims cycling to the hospital, husbands in the passenger seat of cars while their wife's in labour, everyone else in the family apparently far less calm and far more freaked out than the poor woman who's about to have a baby, the list goes on.
But all of these stories pale in comparison to the cringeworthy tale of Kathryn Scumthorpe and the worst birth ever.
I should have realised that this entire pregnancy was headed for disaster one day into it when Kathryn first discovered she was expecting triplets and then immediately headed for the bar. But hey, I also learned something that evening:
There is absolutely nothing stopping pregnant sims from drinking alcohol, regardless of the fact that they can't do things like skinny-dip or seek employment.
I can only assume it's a product of all the euphemisms the developers used in an attempt to keep the rating down. It seems they were so intent on not mentioning alcohol that it led to them overlooking the fact that they'd allowed virtual pregnant women to happily pour it down their throats as much as they like. And that's so ironic it's glorious.
QUALITY ANTENATAL CARE
My feelings of impending doom were not helped one bit by Larry's subsequent reaction to his wife announcing her pregnancy:
So the second and third trimesters went about as well as you'd expect for anybody involved with this bunch of idiots, and on the third day Rick Scumthorpe witnessed Kathryn's water breaking. At this point, all notions of logic, reason and basic human decency went right out of the window.
"Oh, hell no, you're on your own here."
And then Rick just wandered off and left her there. While more or less pulling a literal trollface.
DITCHING BIRTHING MOTHERS LIKE A BOSS
He then followed up with what has to be the douchiest sim expression ever:
Are you there, Rick? It's your sim god talking: You are an asshole.
Off-camera, a 4-year-old Sprog happily sat around watching this catastrophe and repeatedly pointed and laughed at his mother's plight. My god, could this situation possibly get any more horrendous?
And where the hell's Larry in all of this-
YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS
And so Kathryn was left in the lounge screaming bloody murder and having to simultaneously cope with three full-term foetuses and one full-capacity bladder while Larry and Rick drank themselves into a stupor in the dining room.
Rick apparently felt this was an appropriate time to hone his bartending skills...
...Even though he doesn't have any.
Larry, meanwhile, decided to talk business with an executive from his hideously unethical mining corporation and still totally failed to notice his trophy wife trying to give birth in the next room:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN O.S.H.A COMPLIANCE
DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE IF THERE'S TIBERIUM IN THE WATER SUPPLY
And so after several hours of horrifying, epidural-less and totally unsupervised labour, the current Scumthorpe triplets were finally born in a messy puddle on the floor, after which Kathryn immediately staggered upstairs and mercifully passed out. Sprog had also fallen asleep on the floor by this point, and Rick had broken so many bottles in a futile effort to make cocktails that his grandchildren will probably still be picking up the shards of broken glass.
Around this time, Larry finally noticed the existence of his new children:
WHO LEFT ALL THESE BABIES LYING AROUND
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE FREELOADERS
And then the cumulative effects of several bottles of scotch all hit him at once and forced him to kneel before the porcelain throne.
So what have we learned here today? Well, quite a few things. That QUALITY PARENTING begins at conception. That EA's use of family-friendly euphemisms can sometimes hilariously undermine their efforts to prevent controversial sim behaviour. But most of all, that no matter how badly your pregnant sim's friends and family react to her having a baby, at least you can take comfort in one thing: They're not married to a Scumthorpe.
Well, at least until I figure out how to make them into downloads for everyone who requested them. Then all bets are off.
MinghamSmith: 23rd Aug 2012, 09:00 AM I once had Larry Scumthorpe temporarily lose his mind and start taking pot-shots at the paparazzi with a 9mm pistol (which is probably the only genuinely laudable thing he's ever done) and then saw the assassination mod blame a 1-year-old Sprog who hadn't yet learned to walk for their deaths instead.
...Actually, wait, that's not really much of a WTF moment. For Sprog, being a suspect in multiple homicide cases as a crawling baby is perfectly in character.
MinghamSmith: 27th Aug 2012, 08:51 PM And now, time for some more recent pictures of the Scumthorpe triplets.
First up, an experiment: Since everyone seemed quite interested in how Sprog's weird genetics would ultimately pan out a couple of pages back, I decided to repeat the same process with Lolita Scumthorpe, going into CAS with her and then briefly switching to Young Adult to see what would happen.
Apparently, future Lolita will look like this:
...Ok, I think we all have a serious question for Larry Scumthorpe now:
How the hell do you keep fathering pretty daughters?
You look like someone accidentally spliced Basil Fawlty and Snidely Whiplash together in a David Cronenberg-esque teleportation disaster, and yet you somehow managed to produce THAT? My god, Scumthorpe genetics make about as much sense as Scumthorpe behaviour.
And by that, of course, I mean NONE! NONE WHATSOEVER!
Unfortunately, Larry's bizarrely good genes aren't always enough to counteract the effects of severe Tiberium poisoning and hereditary insanity. Lester, of course, is still a total genetic catastrophe:
IT'S LIKE ONE OF THE OTTOMAS TWINS WENT ON A HUNGER STRIKE
And here I'm honestly kind of disturbed. This is Uncanny Valley levels of wrong.
But then again, maybe it's just his weird facial expressions that make him look like a failed attempt at genetically engineering a half-alien overlord to rule over mankind. Maybe if he'd just smile and giggle and coo like a regular baby he'd stop being so profoundly offputting-
-Ok, scratch that. Lester, stop smiling. Please, please stop smiling. In fact, never smile again as long as you live. It's often said that smiles make any human face look more appealing. Your very existence proves otherwise.
However, despite appearing so grossly dissimilar to one another that they barely even look like members of the same species, Lester and Lolita nonetheless seem to have the only genuinely positive relationship in the entire family. In a household where everyone else either wants to murder each other, has already done so or happens to be an omnicidal maniac, these two happily play together and chat about anything their limited vocabularies allow them to whenever Sprog isn't trying to use one of them as his personal punching bag.
It's almost sweet, in an incredibly dysfunctional kind of way.
Unfortunately, they also seem to share bad habits as well as toys:
WHY ARE ALL MY BABIES ALCOHOLICS
Of course, even Tiberium-addled crazy babies need to be cared for to some degree, and since the presence of Larry Scumthorpe is about as beneficial to the well-being of small children as the OMGWTFBBQ the job of feeding and changing them usually falls to Rick Scumthorpe. However, whether this state of affairs can continue for much longer is highly uncertain, because doing so is increasingly starting to drive him mad.
Especially when Lester is involved.
You can certainly see where Rick's coming from. Since both his brothers moved away and severed all contact with the rest of the family, he's had to spend most of his twenties as the only person bothering to clean up after a succession of increasingly deranged and creepy babies that his father openly admits are attempts to produce a better male heir to the family fortune than himself. He's now nothing but a failed heir, set aside and most likely written out of his father's will in favour of a sickly little toddler who may not even have reached the age of majority by the time Larry dies.
And he knows it.
One day, he apparently decided that he'd finally had enough.
"Oh, you're going on a stroll alright, Lester. A ONE-WAY STROLL TO THE GATES OF HELL!"
But, you think, this has to be a misleading screenshot. Surely I'm just implying the stroller is rolling towards something dangerous when it's actually in a field-
Of course, since you can't actually push your 1-year-old Gollum-esque mutant half-brother down a steep hill to his almost certain death in this game, Lester survived, and will therefore continue to be a constant source of discomfort and inconvenience to everyone around him for the next several decades.
"...I hate you, Lester. So very, very much."
And now, a preview of things to come in my town. Because due to the impending release of Supernatural, the next month will inevitably be a time of great upheaval for SimNation. How could it not be when within a matter of weeks the existence of magic will become public knowledge, the dead will begin to walk the earth and fairies and werewolves will be discovered in Moonlight Falls? Sure, sim society will most likely manage to adapt to all this, just as it did upon first contact with all its existing occult minorities. But the fact remains that for many sims, life will never be the same again.
And so, as magic begins to re-enter the public eye, a mysterious, mystical new member of the Scumthorpe dynasty prepares to reveal himself to the world:
Let the speculation as to his nature begin...
|2nd Feb 2013, 11:43 PM||#12|
*Editors note: Bit of info on the Scumthorpes' messed up family gamewise from MinghamSmith. Sorry if this seems a bit slapdash in info but I am adding these in order as I progress form oldest to most recent of the posts I can find*
The Scumthorpes are currently at the beginning of generation 4, if you count me editing the family tree and retconning in Ethel and Sylvester Scumthorpe, the parents of Larry and Sid. While the triplets are technically the same generation as Larry's adult offspring due to sharing a father, the first fourth-generation Scumthorpe was actually born some time ago when Darius Victor/Scumthorpe decided he hadn't fulfilled enough supervillain cliches, cloned himself and produced a mini-me named Alexander.
Consequently, the fourth generation is actually biologically older than some members of the third generation at the moment. I should probably edit my last post; the Scumthorpe family tree makes even less sense than their genetics.
MinghamSmith: 29th Aug 2012, 08:18 PM Since I'm currently waiting around for Supernatural to be released before I bring about any major new developments in my town, I think the time's right for a few posts about Sprog Scumthorpe and how he is without a doubt the creepiest sim in the world.
You've seen his baby photos, in which he pretended to slit the throats of Wugglesworth Schnuggles Bears, crawled around wielding a claw hammer and only ever laughed or smiled when watching his relatives suffer. You've seen him hanging around in the background of more recent screenshots as a child, looking like an evil Frodo Baggins and disproving the notion of childhood innocence and purity merely by existing. But the following few posts will demonstrate for the first time just how profoundly screwed-up he really is.
So, without further ado, I present...
Sprog, You Horrifying Little Shit
Part I: Autonomous Casual Rage
As previously mentioned a few pages back, Sprog has just about the worst personality you can possibly give a child sim as far as traits are concerned. His current traits are Evil, Mean-Spirited, Insane and Pyromaniac, with Kleptomaniac and Hot-Headed as planned additions during the teen and young adult stages to reflect the poor impulse control and disregard for law and order generally found in clinically-diagnosed psychopaths. Sprog, in short, is basically a long-term experiment in which I take the concept of sims born with the Evil trait to its logical conclusion and see what happens.
So far, it hasn't turned out well.
Often, people have complained that the traits system doesn't lead to enough behavioural variantion in TS3 sims, and that sims have consequently become bland and samey. But that isn't always the case. The effects of the aforementioned trait combination, for instance, become glaringly obvious almost immediately after you encounter a sim with it.
And they aren't pretty.
Let's begin with Sprog's idle animations. Put simply, they range from darkly comical to downright disturbing. Because even when left entirely to his own devices, Sprog still routinely starts loud and aggressive arguments with himself...
...either has a rebellious hand that hates him or a disturbingly precocious penchant for self-strangulation...
...and frequently starts hissing and barking like an animal in public for reasons that are probably best left unexplored.
(On an unrelated note, my god, he's got a tongue worthy of Gene Simmons)
Other sims are, to say the least, unnerved by him as a result.
One day, Sprog went to the local library, most likely hoping to stare disconcertingly at anatomy textbooks and giggle insanely at the gorier parts of Hannibal for as long as he could without being forcibly evicted from the place.
A few minutes later, at least one grown man fled the building in terror.
This is a perfectly reasonable response to the presence of Sprog.
Later on, he declared Jocasta Bachelor a nemesis. She immediately wet herself.
This is also a perfectly reasonable response to the presence of Sprog.
But it's around Lolita Scumthorpe that Sprog is at his most legitimately unsettling. Because whenever they're in the same room together, he looms over her and just... stares. Blankly and soullessly, with the red Emperor of Evil glow surrounding him and a not-so-subtle hint of YOU'RE NEXT in his cold, dead eyes.
Run away, Lolita! Run away as fast as your stubby little legs can carry you-
-Oh, god, she hasn't even learned to walk yet!
CRAWL! CRAWL FOR YOUR LIFE!
In short, I've created a monster. But surely nobody is born evil? Surely it's early enough for him to eventually become a less fundamentally broken human being with the right amount of effort and support? Surely there's some small hope of redemption here?
Nope. Not even remotely.
Sprog's wishes revolve almost entirely around seeing ghosts, declaring the entire world his nemesis and watching people die, with the occasional petty wish to make his baby sisters cry purely because he can. He has zero positive relationships and countless enemies, never autonomously uses anything from outside the Mean interactions category and quite evidently doesn't understand the concepts of love or compassion on even the most basic level. Overall, he's only ever expressed anything vaguely resembling affection or empathy once in his entire miserable excuse for a life...
...towards a wild snake he found in a bush. Presumably, this was the only point at which he ever felt something in common with another living creature.
And then the snake apparently realised it was being held by a homicidal maniac and made a break for it. Even poisonous reptiles are afraid of Sprog. He is completely, utterly, absolutely irredeemable on every concievable level, and the world would be an objectively better place if Larry Scumthorpe had grilled him on the OMGWTFBBQ at birth.
So, in conclusion: Sprog, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Who says children in TS3 can't have distinctive personalities?
Editors Note: Thought these few bits from other posts would be of interest and expand a bit on things
Perhaps Sprog's name should've been Dameon. That pic of him with the snake seems awfully appropriate. Funny how that was his pet of choice....
Personally, I couldn't help but think of this fable when he found the snake. It perfectly sums up how any attempt to engage with him on a level other than running away or cowering in fear would inevitably pan out. And it fits a future plan for him too...
As for Sprog's name, you're right, Damien (or Lucifer, or Beelzebub, etc) would have worked very well as an alternative name for him. I decided to reserve those kinds of names for inhuman/supernatural sims, though, since there are a few toddlers in my town that are actually, literally half-demon. Along with an endless assortment of new occult characters to make next week once Supernatural is out, many of which will probably start making appearances in this thread once I determine the comedy potential of fairies, witches and werewolves.
As it stands, though, there is a definite reason why Sprog is called Sprog: It's based around the idea that the Scumthorpes are such mind-bogglingly terrible parents that they didn't even bother to name him properly and just scribbled a mildly pejorative term on his birth certificate out of sheer apathy. It's also similar to the thought process behind Lolita's name- the joke there is that they're also so stupid that they didn't realise they'd named their baby girl after a certain notorious Vladimir Nabokov novel. :p
It's a mildly dismissive slang term for a baby or child, perhaps vaguely equivalent to something like "brat." If it seems obscure, blame my nationality- when I first used it for the character I didn't realise it was a specifically British term that might be unfamiliar to people from outside the UK. My mistake.
(Although the existence of Sprog predates me posting on here by a few months, so I probably wasn't thinking about that at the time)
|3rd Feb 2013, 12:03 AM||#13|
MinghamSmith: 3rd Sep 2012, 11:24 AM Time for more QUALITY PARENTING!
We rejoin the Scumthorpes on an average day in the life of SimNation's least psychologically healthy political family. Carrie's downstairs beating the crap out of her Imaginary Friend doll and trying to hide from Sprog, Lester's asleep on the sofa and still as much of a spindly mutant hellbaby as ever and Rick is growing increasingly concerned by the fact that he's in his late twenties and still digs graves for a living despite how influential, well-connected and powerful his father's become in recent years.
In the nursery, meanwhile, Lolita happily plays with a little xylophone. She's fairly good at it...
...Well, except for when she tries to eat the percussion mallet.
Still, this is nonetheless a cute, endearing scene of early child development that regular, sane parents might well coo over, watch with pride and photograph far more than strictly necessary. Even the Scumthorpes couldn't possibly do anything to wreck a moment like this, surely-
-Oh, you have got to be kidding me. GODAMMIT, Larry!
SHUT UP AND LEARN WHEN TO QUIT, LOLITA, YOU FAIL AT XYLOPHONES
YOU ARE THE MOST TALENTLESS BABY EVER
THE VERY FACT THAT I'M YOUR FATHER FILLS ME WITH DISGUST AND SHAME
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god that expression
i think i may have a new avatar
Also, a while back some of you expressed an interest in what the other Scumthorpe triplets will look like as adults after I posted CAS screenshots of future Lolita and adult Sprog. While I'm still trying to come up with a suitably unnerving look for adult Lester and may have to wait for some of the new makeup options in Supernatural, I do have this image of future Carrie.
And once again, it's... surprising.
Just as I said a couple of pages back, how the hell does Larry keep having pretty daughters? Even with visible burns and scars covering half her face, she's still more attractive than at least 90% of the entire human race. It makes no sense at all! Her father is objectively hideous, and her mother never looked that good!
(And if you're wondering how she got those scars, blame Sprog. Of course it's Sprog's fault)
|3rd Feb 2013, 12:10 AM||#14|
MinghamSmith: 12th Sep 2012, 07:34 PM
And now, a big Scumthorpe update. I haven't been able to play for most of the past week due to updating all my mods and sorting out an annoying glitch resulting from transferring everything over from the Steam version of the game to Origin in order to be able to play Supernatural and future expansions, but now things are up and running again I think it's time to reveal the new addition to the family I've hinted at in previous posts.
Up until now, all the Scumthorpes have been ordinary (if severely messed-up) humans, with the closest thing to an inhuman member of the family being either Sprog or a certain spindly mutant hellbaby we all love to hate or hate to love. But yesterday, the first paranormal Scumthorpe decided to reveal himself to the world after an early life spent in near-total obscurity elsewhere in SimNation. And despite having been born and raised entirely isolated from the rest of the family and its ongoing tradition of dodgy baby names, his name is probably the most questionable of the lot:
Meet Judas Brutus Cassius Scumthorpe, the previously-unknown bastard son of Sid Scumthorpe and an as-of-yet-unidentified witch from Moonlight Falls with whom he somehow managed to have his only ever one-night-stand approximately 30 years ago. In a truly disastrous turn of events that more or less entirely disproves the notion of a just and loving Sim god, Judas managed to inherit both his mother's ability to use magic and every single one of the catastrophic personality flaws that run in the Scumthorpe family, all the while managing the impressive feat of having both the least trustworthy name and the least trustworthy eyebrows in the history of the universe. And now, having recently learned of his direct (if illegitimate) links to a wealthy and influential family, he's come to claim his fair share of Larry Scumthorpe's money and power. By any means necessary.
So how does a magical megalomaniac go about attracting the attention of a multi-millionaire?
Through rampant sorcerous dickery, of course!
Within less than 24 hours of his initial arrival in Sunset Valley, Judas had given local medical professionals a perfect opportunity to conduct research into the effects of hypothermia during the run-up to the release of Seasons...
...personally run regional tourism into the ground by repeatedly setting badly-dressed pudding-faced foreigners on fire...
...and turned several people into amphibians purely to amuse himself. At least, on the few occasions when he wasn't flinging pestilence curses around at passers-by like they were going out of style or compelling people to publicly lose control of their bladders.
So yeah, Sid Scumthorpe's only sexual experience in his entire lecherous life managed to produce an evil sorcerer named after three legendary traitors who apparently views the non-magical world and everybody in it as his personal plaything, thus proving that the whole universe runs on Murphy's Law.
Can things possibly get any worse for this town?
Why, yes, of course they can: He's a necromancer too!
Above all things, Judas Scumthorpe loves to dominate and control his fellow man, and sees raising the dead as his personal minions as the easiest and most viable path to power. He has absolutely no qualms about clearing out entire cemeteries in order to do so...
...and sometimes resorts to graverobbing in the most literal sense imaginable to further swell the ranks of his future undead horde. Now, most sims who attempt to raise the dead tend to be well-meaning, sympathetic characters, or at worst curious opportunists with access to dead people and magic.
Judas, on the other hand, will actively try to steal the remains of your loved ones to further his dastardly plans, and already managed to run off with Lolita Goth's tombstone in his inventory when Gunther and Cornelia weren't looking. Put simply, he is a terrible, terrible human being.
HIDE YOUR URNS, HIDE YOUR CORPSES, HE'S RAISING ALL OF THEM OUT HERE
And wait a minute, take a look at this thought bubble:
Is zombie Lolita Goth... thinking? About being happy and human and alive rather than eating brains?
Is she still sentient and capable of feeling? Can she still remember her time among the living?
But wait, hang on, that would imply that all of Judas's undead slaves are still conscious the entire time. Even though they're zombies. Even though all they can do is shamble around and moan wordlessly, all the while looking on helplessly as their bodies slowly break down and rot away-
-My god, that's the most existentially terrifying Sims-related thing ever.
So other than a glitch or two, that's what the release of Supernatural has inflicted on my town so far. A monstrous magical overlord resulting from a broken condom and 5 minutes of awkward fumbling around in the dark that will not rest until both the living and the dead kneel and grovel at his feet forever.
And the worst thing about this entire situation?
Larry still needs a viable heir. And Judas knows it.
TODAY, SUNSET VALLEY! TOMORROW, THE WORLD!
MinghamSmith: 14th Sep 2012, 07:53 AM Now Supernatural's out, I also have the things I need in order to click on Edit in CAS with Lester Scumthorpe selected and get an accurate picture of what everyone's favourite ugly emaciated mutant baby will eventually grow into, like I did with his sisters and Sprog when people expressed an interest in their genetics.
It isn't pretty.
After spending the entirety of his formative years continuing to suffer from the same Tiberium poisoning he was born with, full-grown Lester is horrifyingly radioactive, built like Christian Bale in The Machinist (at best) and only a few unorthodox facial piercings away from resembling something out of Hellraiser. Geiger counters go haywire around him. Vampires stupid or desperate enough to try drinking his blood might as well be swallowing depleted uranium. There are zombies in better condition than him, and yet he's still the most viable heir the Scumthorpes currently have unless Judas steps in.
Also, compare that picture with the ones of his sisters as young adults.
They're all the same age. He's 20 there.
MinghamSmith: 22nd Sep 2012, 09:46 AM
Before proceeding with this post, a disclaimer: Up until my regular characters intervened in the following series of events, I had nothing to do with it whatsoever. Absolutely nothing. What you are about to see is one of the most bizarre cases of autonomous behaviour by a NPC I've ever seen in the sims series, with no efforts by the player to set it up or influence it at all. Even by my standards, it's weird and deranged, to the point where it'd actually be kind of unsettling if it hadn't taken place in such a cartoony game.
You have been warned.
So without further ado:
Babysnatching and Bloodlust: I Couldn't Make This Up If I Tried
Apart from Judas Scumthorpe abruptly barging into Larry's mansion and intimidating his illegitimate semi-uncle into providing financial backing for his evil sorcerous endeavours, this Thursday was a fairly normal day for everyone's favourite family of maniacs and morons. Lester and Lolita hung around together and had oddly precocious baby conversations as usual, Carrie alternated between building toddler skills and beating the crap out of her Imaginary Friend doll, Sprog once again ignored school entirely in favour of typing up his first crazy person manifesto and Rick continued to slide further into depression and insanity from having to take care of them all while still digging graves for a living. All fairly routine stuff for them, barring the sudden addition of a necromancer to the family.
And then out of nowhere, this happened:
Who the hell is that?
Upon inspection, this mystery sim turned out to be a middle-aged service NPC (a bouncer, oddly) named Tuesday Sears that I'd never heard of before in my life, who proceeded to spend the entire afternoon hanging around outside the front door and complaining about routing errors. Initially, I figured she'd been directed onto the lot by the game's questionable AI and got stuck, so I decided to just ignore her and hope she'd eventually head back to whichever bar or club she was assigned to...
...Until night fell, and I found her hiding in a bush while repeatedly complaining that a locked door prevented her from getting into the house and behaving increasingly like an escaped mental patient.
Since when did I even suggest that you were allowed in there, you perplexingly persistent puddle of idiocy? I don't even know you!
And why the hell are Lester and Lolita thinking about her? They've never even seen her before. She's not a social worker. They have no reason to know of her existence, let alone express any awareness of her presence nearby. It's not like they're responding to an attempt to interact with them or anything.
-Oh my god.
As time went by, her thought bubbles increasingly began to revolve solely around the Scumthorpe triplets and getting into the house to be close to them.
This isn't just a WTF moment anymore. This is getting downright sinister.
Feeling increasingly concerned, I checked on the triplets and quickly noticed something overtly creepy happening: Over and over again, "Be picked up by Tuesday Sears" appeared in their action queues, only to quickly drop out when the doors blocked this complete and total stranger from entering their home.
Yes, you read that correctly. The AI in my game has somehow generated a deranged, obsessive kidnapper hell-bent on stealing other people's babies that autonomously tries to invade your home lot and carry them away. I am not joking. I am not lying. This happened exactly as I described it, and I don't have the faintest idea how or why.
LET ME IN, LET ME IN, I JUST WANT TO SEE THE BABIES
I JUST WANT TO HOLD ONE
AND SQUEEZE ONE AND CHANGE ONE
AND HAVE IT CALL ME MUMMY AND NEVER LET YOU SEE IT AGAIN
...Oh, hell no, I am not standing for this.
Fortunately, though, crazy child-snatching middle-aged women aren't the only things that lurk around the grounds of Stately Scum Manor late at night:
CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE SPROGS OF WAR
At this point, sticking on the Jaws theme would probably be appropriate. Or the theme to Halloween. Either version. Or perhaps this suspenseful little tune. Because Ms. Sears has absolutely no idea just how utterly, utterly dead she is right now.
Sometimes, having a prepubescent Patrick Bateman in the family has its perks.
A word of advice, by the way: If you're a sim and you happen to see this approaching you in the dark, RUN.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, AND DON'T LOOK BACK.
Doubly so if he happens to be carrying the pistol from Desecrate's Weapons System.
Triply so if the expression on his face looks anything like this.
WHY WON'T YOU LET ME STEAL YOUR BABIES? YOU'VE ALREADY GOT THREE!
ALL I WANT IS ONE LITTLE BABY! JUST ONE! IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK-
"Heh. Exploded cranium. Brain matter. Pity, though, I wanted to keep the skull..."
And so with the timely arrival of Death himself, this bizarre and disturbing chain of events mercifully came to an end.
"...Oh, god, not this horrible little bugger again. STOP GIVING ME EXTRA WORK!"
"I hate this job sometimes, I really do. It ain't easy being Grim."
Thus concluded my first and hopefully only encounter with a NPC even more insane than most of my own characters. Most of them.
Because if you find yourself having to fight crazy with crazy... well, at least you can't outdo Sprog in that regard.
Perhaps I need to balance things out a bit more. Perhaps I should make a normal, reasonable, sensible man as a counterpoint to Larry Scumthorpe, and give him a nice, peaceful, non-deranged life with a lovely wife and a pleasant career. An author, maybe-
-Oh, wait, no. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. Based on what just happened between the game's AI and the Scumthorpes, any attempt to make a sim with a successful writing career would probably just lead to a horrifying virtual re-enactment of Stephen King's Misery sooner or later. With the AI playing Annie Wilkes by itself.
What the hell is wrong with my town?
|3rd Feb 2013, 1:18 AM||#15|
Okay, that is it for now as I am starting to get eye strain and a stiff neck form editing. More to be added later after I've had a rest. I am trying to edit things a bit so they are download friendly with the number of pictures with my somewhat limited knowledge of how to make the best use of this site. Seems like every Forum has it's own code and tags and some times they are not very obvious.
|8th Feb 2013, 1:45 AM||#17|
Join Date: Feb 2011
Oh my god, I'm not usually into sim stories but this was HILARIOUS...I'm in love with Scumthorpes already....Me wants more!!!! lol
|8th Feb 2013, 3:10 PM||#18|
Awkward question, does MinghamSmith know you're doing this?
I'm sure he has no problem with it, just thought it'd be good for him to know you've set up a thread for him.
|8th Feb 2013, 6:59 PM||#19|
This reminds me of EphemeralToast's legacies from The Sims 2, absolutely hilarious. Keep it up please!
|8th Feb 2013, 9:29 PM||#20|
Now Mingham. You just have to get your priorities straight!
But how about posting updates to the Scumthorpe Saga here from now on? Because I live in fear that someday you will post about the Scumthorpes in a thread I'm not following, and I'll miss it!
|9th Feb 2013, 12:33 AM||#21|
Top Secret Researcher
Join Date: Mar 2006
Thanks Spiritbw, I had a good laugh reading Mingham's beginnings again (And totally forgot about Spurgin!)
|9th Feb 2013, 1:19 AM||#22|
Join Date: Oct 2005
The title should have a disclaimer in it, "Please make sure you have used the bathroom or put on diapers before opening this thread". Maybe the first sentence of the post. I am crying tears of laughter and yes, now must go to the powder room.
*pumps fist at MinghamSmith & Spiritbw* Damn you for this thread!
|9th Feb 2013, 8:34 AM||#23|
Join Date: Sep 2010
Black is such a happy color.
|9th Feb 2013, 6:24 PM||#24|
Glad that everyone is liking it and everything is okay with folks (especially MinghamSmith, sorry, should have asked anyhow).
Had a busy week but now back to keep adding the posts I can find. For the record, all the pictures are behind the spoiler tags to keep from overloading people's computers when trying to read this. There are just too many to let it load properly otherwise.
That said, onwards!
MinghamSmith: 25th Sep 2012, 07:08 AM Indeed, sometimes you aren't. You really, really aren't.
And fittingly enough, last night I repeatedly managed to do so at the absolute worst possible times you can imagine and then took screenshots of the results anyway. Because my game apparently runs exclusively on anti-logic and pure mind-bending horror these days:
(Warning: Nightmare fuel ahoy!)
what is this
i told Larry to mock the ghost of his first wife and he was holding Lolita at the time and OH GOD WHY
IS THERE ANY EXPRESSION LESS APPROPRIATE FOR BEING AROUND SMALL CHILDREN
...Erm, wow. Even for a Lester screenshot that's horrifying. It's like a group of intrepid explorers discovered some kind of mummified hairless rat-monkey thing in the Amazon rainforest, then collectively suffered numerous traumatic brain injuries and starting treating it as their baby out of sheer mind-boggling insanity.
Except that is a baby. One that's set to inherit a billion-Simoleon mining corporation based primarily around mutagenic alien crystals, even though he's little more than a walking corpse and makes the Ottomas family look like a shining example of sim genetics by comparison.
SimNation is doomed.
FUCKING BLOCKS HOW DO THEY WORK
VENGEANCE UPON SPROG FOR THAT TIME HE STUCK ME IN THE OVEN
And even cute little Lolita gets her creepy on sometimes:
DAMMIT LOLITA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ADORABLE ONE
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG
It's just occurred to me how closely she resembles one of the Little Sisters in Bioshock.
Like, almost exactly.
Even the cute Scumthorpes are nightmare material on some level. And this is only 3 generations in. What if they run for 10 generations or more? What kind of inhuman abominations will they have produced by the end of it all?
Doesn't bear thinking about, really. But you can't get much worse than Lester... right?
Well, sometimes children do have surprising or downright odd vocabularies that have nothing to do with formal education. From personal experience, I learned the words "optimistic," "pessimistic," "barbarians" and "cultural imperialism" from various places when I was in the equivalent of elementary school, and reportedly often said the word "visions" as a baby.*
I imagine Sprog as having picked up a fair few biology terms from hanging around in the library reading anatomy textbooks and thinking about innovative ways to make things die. He's perfectly literate, after all. He's by no means unintelligent, he's just far too deranged to do anything constructive with his otherwise above-average intellect.
* Blame Simon and Garfunkel. One of the first songs I ever recognised and enjoyed was The Sound of Silence, which begins with this verse:
Hello, darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Within the sound of silence
Apparently I treated it like a lullaby and my parents played it all the time to get baby me to go to sleep. Whatever works, I guess. :P
MinghamSmith: 1st Oct 2012, 10:32 PM
[email protected]: Right there? She reminds me of another little girl with black hair in braids: (There is no way to embed video here is there? ) http://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...e&v=_YFk4b6yeX4
Actually, you're right. Even the personality of the original TV Wednesday Addams fits Lolita Scumthorpe perfectly- though she's currently only a baby, she's still meant to be the cheerfully innocent one who views her family's eccentricities as the norm.
(The much more deadpan and sarcastic movie version of Wednesday Addams, on the other hand, is closer to how I envision Carrie Scumthorpe once she gets to the child stage. The triplets are more or less deliberately designed as a comedy trio- Lolita is the ditzy, upbeat one, Carrie is the snarky, grumpy one and Lester is just screwed up and weird)
Anyway, time for another Scumthorpe update: We rejoin SimNation's worst political family as a certain illegitimate sorcerer stakes his claim to some of the family fortunes... through whatever means necessary. He's dark. He's determined. He has downright devilish eyebrows.
He's Judas Scumthorpe, and one of these days the world will kneel before him.
Hey, it's good to be ambitious.
(Also, a characterisation point. Whenever these two speak, read everything Larry says in a harsh, gravelly New York or New Jersey accent and Judas as if he's voiced by Simon Templeman. It works. It's how I imagine they'd both sound if they weren't speaking Simlish. And for some reason it makes everything they say twice as funny)
So without further ado...
Whatever Judas Wants, Judas Gets
"...So in short, despite having been born somewhat outside the context of holy matrimony and having only just met you I'm nonetheless your first, and I believe only nephew. And so I felt I'd be justified in asking my dear old uncle Larry for a little monetary assistance with a few things... You know, magical equipment, elixirs, financial backing for my eight-point world domination plan-"
"-Ok, shut up right now. You honestly believe I'm going to fork out thousands of simoleons to some badly-dressed mystical stranger barging onto my property out of nowhere just because my useless shit of a brother forgot to wear a condom 30 years ago? HELL. NO. I don't care what kind of sparkly fairyland you claim to be from or what kind of delusional paranormal crap you buy into, YOU ARE AN ACCIDENT. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO EXIST. YOU WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT A WALKING CONTRACEPTIVE DISASTER. Stop talking, start walking and get the fuck out of my house."
"Fine. Then I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way."
"And the hard way is?"
"Well, a key component of it is that urn on the table over there. Your first wife's, I believe? The one you shot in the face about a month before marrying a girl less than half your age? Don't bother denying it, Larry, Sid told me everything. And by the time I'm through with her remains, you'll be wishing you'd offered me double what I requested. Triple. Your entire life savings, even. One last chance, finance my magical endeavours or suffer my sorcerous wrath."
"Oh, now this is just precious. You really think there's a single thing you could do with Honoria's urn that'd make me change my mind? Let me tell you something, you illegitimate imbecile, I HATED Honoria. You could smash that thing to bits, empty it down the toilet, sit any one of my horrible little excuses for babies on top of it and teach them to use the potty... All I'd do is laugh, both at your failure and at her ashes getting the sort of sendoff they so richly deserve. And what did you say you were anyway, a magician? I'm calling it right now, the most impressive thing you could possibly do with that urn is nothing but some third-rate Criss Angel crap-
"-OH REALLY? You seriously walked right into this one, Larry..."
"Oh, christ, you're not bluffing. Ok, ok, you have magical powers and I cower before them, I really, really do-
-Wait, you're not... trying to raise the dead here, are you?
NO! You can't! You wouldn't dare-"
"-Of course I would. I'm a Scumthorpe."
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUDAS, I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! JUST DON'T LET ME SEE MY WIFE AGAIN!"
"Too late, Larry. Too late. Enjoy the family reunion, I'm sure you both have so much to catch up on..."
WE NEED TO TALK
BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS EAT YOUR BRAINS
MinghamSmith: 6th Oct 2012, 08:24 PM Ah, watching your babies at play. Doesn't it just warm your heart to see their innocent games and their unparalleled sense of wonder at all the world has to offer?
Except sometimes those things just aren't there. Sometimes the little ones have far darker imaginations than you'd care to admit.
Sometimes you just find yourself having to bear witness to...
Baby's First Military Coup D'etat
Earlier, Lester went looking in a box and found a model tank and a toy rocket. It all ended very badly:
"Those in power, hear my voice: We do not come in peace. We have tanks. We have nuclear weapons. And we will not hesitate to use them!"
"Dissolve the government and give us eleventy billion simoleons, or face our mighty arsenal!"
"I'm not bluffing! I have an accomplice, and her finger's on the button!"
"What's this? They refuse to meet our demands! Fire the missiles, little sis!"
YOUR NATION ROTS IN THE DUSTBIN OF HISTORY
NOW WE CAN BE EMPERORS AND STUFF
I LOVE MY TANK
I LOVE MY NUKE
|9th Feb 2013, 6:39 PM||#25|
MinghamSmith: 1st Nov 2012, 06:05 AM Yesterday, I received a wonderful (read: creepy and bizarre) reminder of why Sprog Scumthorpe is without a doubt the best worst sim ever.
Having noticed that his relationships panel seemed somewhat larger and more populated than it was before the release of Supernatural, I went into Master Controller and tried to set his relationship status with every other sim in the entire town to Enemy. Helps with his AI, fits his character, etc etc etc.
In response, he immediately rolled a want to beat up an infant.
I... what... I don't even... WHAT THE HELL, SPROG?
MinghamSmith: 9th Nov 2012, 10:26 AM Back on page 48, I posted a bunch of pictures from the rather odd night when Darius, the disowned third son of Larry Scumthorpe, proposed to his girlfriend Veronica and danced the night away with his sister and his robot bodyguard. Recently, they got married. Because even professional supervillains need love.
And soon afterwards, the new couple had their first baby together.
In the days leading up to the birth of said baby, though, I came to realise that members of the Scumthorpe family simply cannot procreate without something ludicrous happening in the process. It all began when the game arbitrarily decided that one of Daisy Duke's costumes from The Dukes of Hazzard was an appropriate outfit to have a baby in, a development Veronica appeared about as satisfied with as you'd expect:
QUALITY MATERNITY WEAR
It then transpired that Larry Scumthorpe's bizarre inability to respond to the Announce Pregnancy interaction appropriately was an inheritable genetic defect rather than an unfortunate personality quirk. Because Darius clearly can't do it right either:
"Darling, I'm pregnant-"
"-I TOTALLY BOMBED A GOVERNMENT BUILDING."
And for some reason, Alice Scumthorpe autonomously decided that there was no better place to have a nap than the bed with her pregnant sister-in-law in it. First she couldn't take her eyes off Veronica's breasts upon meeting her 11 pages ago, now she wants to share a bed with her.
Somehow, I think there might be some unrequited feelings here.
Still, for all his eccentricities, at least Darius was a far more supportive and enthusiastic father-to-be than anybody in the main Scumthorpe household ever was:
DO FOETUSES DREAM OF WORLD DOMINATION
YES, YES THEY DO
And so Veronica entered the third trimester, switched back to the hilariously awkward outfit the game assigned to her as everyday maternity wear for reasons I've yet to fully comprehend and waddled around the house looking increasingly like an unfortunate prostitute who'd really let herself go. On a happier note, though, she seemed to get along brilliantly with Alexander, Darius's artificially-grown mini-me:
"Of course you can bring the world to its knees with a sufficiently large rocket!"
"Just don't nuke too many things, or you'll only have an irradiated wasteland to rule over afterwards-"
"...Oh, bugger. CAN IT WAIT, BABY? I'M TRYING TO BOND WITH MY HUSBAND'S 5-YEAR-OLD CLONE HERE!"
"Babies? Natural delivery? Jesus christ, I was grown in a test tube. This is so not my area."
But hang on, this household is usually at least somewhat more competent than Larry and co. Surely the others are on hand to help with the birth-
Luckily, unlike his father Darius actually managed to notice his wife in labour fairly quickly and took her to the hospital like a reasonably sane person, thus bringing another incredibly silly Scumthorpe pregnancy to a comparatively quick and merciful conclusion.
And so Larry Scumthorpe's first granddaughter was born. Not that he'd ever bother to acknowledge her, of course.
But hey, never mind, Darius now has a baby!
A smelly, smirking, evil genius baby. Named Daria.
All glory to SimNation's future empress?
MinghamSmith: 10th Nov 2012, 07:07 PM how about another Sprog megapost?
Sprog, You Horrifying Little Shit
Part II: AwfulMod
First off, I should probably admit that a lot of these screenshots aren't recent ones. They're from during the summer, soon after I realised that children can use Desecrate's Weapons System just as well as adults and began abusing that odd little quirk of the mod like no tomorrow. I just never got round to posting them, possibly because I simply forgot, but also because of some reservations on my part due to having no idea how posting screenshots of a 5-year-old homicidal maniac killing people would go down with everyone at the time.
But since Sprog's apparently turned out to be the most popular Scumthorpe by miles, here he is going on his first murderous rampage around town:
Somehow, the first time he ever shot a 9mm pistol he took out two people with one bullet.
...Don't ask, it's Sprog. The laws of sim reality are merely guidelines to him.
Yes, that is Sprog attaining the red Emperor of Evil glow despite being in elementary school.
And yes, that is the most hilariously nonchalant response to watching two people die ever.
And no, the Dexter the Bear glitch whereby you can have toddlers and children briefly wielding claw hammers will never stop being funny.
In some ways, though, Sprog is really just a form of pest control in my town if you look at him from the player's perspective. He constantly butchers game-generated pudding townies, makes way for my own creations in the process and is generally brilliant at getting rid of annoying characters. Although sometimes the less well-designed EA premades find themselves hunted down by him as well.
Such was the fate of Ethan Bunch, gunned down in a Showtime venue toilet on a whim:
WHEN I'VE FINISHED PISSING, YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DIE
On a related note, something tells me Sprog might be developing delusions of grandeur between his frequent violent rages:
KNEEL BEFORE YOUR KING OR FACE ANNIHILATION
Thanks to that picture, I'm now seeing the autonomous "Preside Over Royal Court" interaction that came with Generations in a disturbing new light. Usually, it's clearly nothing more than a harmless children's game. When Sprog does it, though, (and he does it a lot) it's very hard for me not to interpret it as him pretending to be the emperor Caligula sentencing hordes of imaginary Romans to horrifying deaths and declaring himself a living god. Hopefully minus the weird stuff with the horse almost being made a consul, but given that I have Pets installed, who knows?
So, having seen almost the entirety of Sprog's life so far documented in this thread, you may be wondering: What's the absolute worst thing he's ever done?
Oh, that's easy. He assassinated his own mother.
Ever wonder why Kathryn Scumthorpe entirely disappeared from this thread after Larry walked in on her making out with the butler and divorced her on the spot? Well, now you know. Sprog simply got bored one day, picked up the pistol from Desecrate's Weapons System once again and decided to take a few shots at his own relatives rather than his usual prey of game-generated pudding faces and miscellaneous townies for a change. As you can see, Larry didn't exactly mind.
Sprog, of course, was anything but conflicted or remorseful:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SPROG?
And then the entire Scumthorpe family suffered yet another critical empathy failure that contradicted just about everything sims are programmed to do in response to a household tragedy: Larry didn't get the Death of a Loved One moodlet. Sprog got nothing but positive moodlets from watching his mother die. Rick gave the camera a look of mild disappointment for about 3 seconds before wandering off to watch daytime TV and forget the entire thing ever happened.
And the babies?
Nothing at all. In a game where babies are usually considerably more able to understand the significance of deaths and divorces than they would be in reality, none of the Scumthorpe triplets got any kind of moodlet at all after Kathryn died. In fact, there is absolutely no indication that any of them even remember their mother existed.
In short, the closest thing to a normal human reaction in the entire household was from a severely depressed butler who wouldn't stop blubbering for a week.
And since then, said butler has mysteriously vanished off the face of the earth.
Gone. Without a trace.
Why, whatever could have happened to him?
And finally, for those of you interested in this sort of thing, a preview of stuff to come. Because now Darius Scumthorpe has got married and started his own dynasty of professional supervillains, I'm moving the timeline in my town along again. The most obvious result of me doing so is that the Scumthorpe triplets have all aged up into children, which I'll demonstrate in my next post. But the time skip also brings us that much closer to a much scarier prospect on the horizon:
And what might that be?
Oh, that's perfectly simple: Teenage Sprog.
When normal teens get moody, people groan and roll their eyes.
When teenage Sprog gets moody, people scream, and someone dies...