"Close your legs" - said by a man to another man. *hint* this was in Scotland.

First, eating dinner in a restaurant, a woman at the next table was talking loudly about the adventures of Lindsay and Michael, but I won't go into that.
Then walking up the street, a man walking behind me was shouting - "it was 1986 - that's when she sold her soul to me" "War is coming! To New London! Armageddon! Gonna be like Robocop 2013!" Then his friend came over - Garvin! are you ready?' 'Yeah, man, I'm ready.'
Then walking back down the street after the Paula Poundstone show 2 women were fighting - "I don't fucking get your shit either!'

I've kept a habit of writing down strange things customers say to each other when waiting for their pickups. It's quite amusing.

"It it wasn't for fucking Masterchef I would've got the foam." "Masterchef. Tah." "Oi, don't diss it. It's getting good."

"What's a tourist doing behind the desk? Do they just hire them on as weeklies?" (probably in reference to my accent)

"Coconut rises at midnight. You have to slam it or else you can get bit."

"Well, put it outside in the sun." "Why's it clogging?" "I don't know, your scissors are awful."

"It's a two-in-one whether you like it or not." "I don't know. A seance and a cookout?" "The spirits may get hungry."

"They used to drop LSD and do it on the floor with their daughters." "Do what?" "Oh, you know, Super Mario and the like."

"Are you decent?"
"No, I'm naked, come on in"

"Hello, is this Jesus?"

To be fair, the mysterious stranger in question was walking around Cambridge, UK, which does have a Jesus College.

And...

"I know you're planning to murder me"

for which I have no explanation whatsoever. It was said in an ordinary tone of voice...

Not overheard, but anyway -
I went to get my car emissions tested today.
The guy said, 'Welcome to the emission testing center. Because we can't have emissions from your car in the air. But we don't have any emissions from industry because we don't have any industry in Connecticut.'
Me: The pollution floats here from points west.
Guy: Yes, they all have industry and we get the pollution. Even the mushroom farm closed because they couldn't afford to stay in business.
A guy walking by: The Chinese did that.
Guy: Did you know they grow mushrooms in old mines in Pennsylvania?
Me: No, I did not know that.
Guy: Yes, it's the perfect environment for mushrooms. You bring down some poop for them to grow in and they grow in a day. That's all they need is some poop. So hold onto that 20 dollar bill and your car will be ready in about 10 minutes.
Then I sat down and I could hear him talking to other people and he was being perfectly business-like and not talking about mushrooms or poop.

"OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "I didn't touch you... well... hardly..."

"Jake's trying to throw a pencil at me!" "No he's not, because if he does then I'll ram the pencil into his ear... with a hammer..."

"I hope you two are hungry." "Yeah! I could eat that all by myself!" "I want to use it as a willy!"

"Boys, come on, upstairs." "Why?" "Because... LAST ONE TO TOUCH MUM'S DOORFRAME IS A POO!"

"I haven't washed my nose all year!"

"The people in Sweden invented Swedes... The people in Holland invented holes... The people in Germany invented germs... the people in Finland invented finns..." "The people in Australia invented... Austrians!"

"When he was a teenager, he struggled to keep his homosexualilililility a secret!"

"When I propose to someone, I want to be kneeling in the bath, fully clothed."

"There's lots more zombies around here." "Yeah, look there's one of them." "That's a sheep."

"...the UK premiere of Breaking Dawn Part II on the... (random date in November)" "I thought it didn't come out until the 22nd of December... the day after the world's supposed to end." "Why's it supposed to end then?" "Because the Mayan calendar ends then. But that was obviously just because they ran out of paper." "Well, why didn't they just buy some more?" "Because you can't buy more paper if you're a Mayan!"

"I've got a girl here, and it says 'do you like being a boy' and she's put no, so how should I mark that?"

My husband went into the little gas station (with the pumps from like the 50's) near our house to get something to drink a few weeks ago. We live in a very hick-filled part of West Virginia, nearly everyone here has a really thick Southern accent.
He said that when he went into the building, there was a half-naked little boy sitting in the middle of the floor with his legs spread holding some kind of food between his knees. He said "CAAN I EAYT EET?!" really loudly to who I'm assuming was his dad, and his dad replied (loudly) "YEEA YEW CAAN EAYT ETT!".

It wouldn't have been so funny if it wasn't for the horribly thick accent both of them had.

Can I have a kiss goodnight? No wait don't hurt me. Just a hug. No NO don't be Gollum, be human!

Little old lady at the pharmacy:
"Can you put those in two bags?

Pharmacist:
"Sure"

Little old lady:
"Oh good thanks. Because I need to get some bacon since I just got stabbed by Dracula and it'll be easier with two bags."




I've been thinking about that sentence since this morning and I STILL have no idea what she was talking about. There's no way I heard her wrong, my husband was trying not to laugh and so was the pharmacist.

In a thrift shop (as usual) -
Two volunteers discussing Paula Deen -
"I don't see what's the big deal - I mean who among us hasn't used that word?"
And I won't write the rest because it got much worse after that.

I've kept a log of the special things I hear walking down the halls and sitting in the cafeteria af my school. Perhaps it's a good thing I graduated this year...

"My house smells like lemons every other Thursday."

"For German, I had to write something I didn't know."

"Africa is full of scene kids."

"Scolarships are like quests."

"Animals can't eat crafts."

"It's a show where they bring in people to help people become people."

"Calcium makes you fat."

"I laugh at my own squeaks for God's sake!"

"Can you rent a flamethrower?"

"You'll be happy to know I didn't sneeze in the pancake batter this time"

A bunch of BULLSHIT from some loud mouth Cacklin HENS, over eating FAT sows who are OLD-OLDER than belief would allow one to believe.

Begawk! My, my, did someone miss their nap? (from the old FAT hen)

Huh? For your information gramma I do not (takes) NAPS, I takes naps!

I overheard, that there be someone names Grammapat, and she be calls herself a FAT Hen! -In my bestest Slow veece (voice).

Avast! Man overboard! {laying egg and waddling away}

Oh here's one more. It's something I overheard as a kid, and didn't understand, but now that I know... It's going to be with me forever. I don't even know why it just came to me.

Grandma to my mom: "Did he (referring to my ~25yr old brother) find his G-Spot yet?"

Either your Grandma was confused, or THIS Gramma is ignorant about such things..

I was talking to someone a friend of mine was dating, and she complained about him:
"He's been taking me for granite."

Shoosh - that's what they say about New Hampshire, the granite state. (Don't take it for granite.)

"That pillow's mine. I licked it."

Some pre-teens in front of my house:
"Hay dude, gimme that"
"F..you, it was my you know"
"F..YOU, I did it first and sides {mumble}
"Shit you are stupider than {hose? horse?}
Everybody laughs and shambles away, punching each other.

Scene: a parking lot this morning
A woman crossing the lot towards another person -
The woman (shouting across the lot): I thought you had a chicken in your hand - Yeah, it looked like you had a chicken in your hand. All the way in there me and Steve were like, 'it looks like he has a chicken in his hand.'

Recently overheard my mom talking to one of her co-workers:
"...And when I visited Dr. Mitchell, I pulled out ALL dat sh*t. ALL of it."