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Top Secret Researcher
Original Poster
#1 Old 21st Oct 2007 at 4:19 AM
Default Panda's Pointlessly Parodic Miscellany
I wrote this after LilBrudder asked me too. Not as heartwrenching as most other people's intros here, but what the hey, its the truth. This is a comedy, it has no real intrinsic or metaphysical value, so if you derive some great truth from it, you are weird. Enjoi!
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A Girl Scout Cookie Story
North American Girl Scout Base, 2099CE
Amy sat on her control board watching the GPS trackers as the cookie vans drove out across no man's land to the hundreds of Girl Scout Troops that wanted to peddle cookies. Amy herself was munching on a box of Thin Mints as she watched the screen.

She was musing on the horrors that had brought cookies to be shipped in armored trucks. The elves, skinny little three foot creatures, coming on rockets from outer space, demanding world conquest. The humans of Canada laughing thier heads off. The elves being somewhat offended. There being a large gap in everyone's memory. Alaska to the Yucatan penninsula being a semi radioactive desert. That had been a rather unpleasant week, Amy thought to herself. Now everything was shipped in armored trucks. Girl Scout Cookies, Abercrombie Tshirts, cold cereal and even bannanas!

Amy was interrupted from her musings when a frantic beeping came from the board. One of the trucks had disappeared!! Amy frantically looked in the database. If the elves had stolen even part of the nation's supply of Thin Mints or Tagalongs, the human race was doomed! She didn't quite understand how, but her boss had informed her to treat such a situation as if it would cause the end of humanity. She had been told to push the large red button on the board and that the matter would be dealt with.

It was fairly easy to find, it was large and bright red and labeled in crisp white stenciling, "BUTTON OF LAST RESORT. DO NOT PUSH" She closed her eyes, slammed her hand onto the button, felt it sink into the panel and waited, eyes clenched shut, and waited. After nothing happened she released the button and then a small red light flicked on behind her and a pleasant female voice rang out throught the base. "Cargo intercepted. Please deal with." Amy sat waiting for fire and brimstone or at least a detachment of the national guard, but nothing happened on base. She shrugged and went back to her cookies, and pulled out a SuDoKu.

Grand Canyon 2.0, formerly Cleveland
Jemima knelt under an awning, eagerly awaiting her boyfreind, who was supposed to bring tacos. She didn't panic when she heard a truck pull up, Ben was rich and stupid enough to drive in this climate. She did start slightly when a helicopter showed up too, and three heavily armed persons hustled her into the truck, while the helicopter circled above like a mis shapen bird of prey.

One of the heavily armed persons took off their helmet to reveal: a rather dumpy young woman with flourescent pink hair. The woman sat down crosslegged across from Jemima and said, in an abrasive southern accent, "Jemima hun, do ya think thats ya can take on a mission of vital, I say vital, importance to the human race?"

Jemima looked dumbfounded for a moment then said, "Hell no! I have a date, and humanity has lasted this long without me!"

The woman sat back and said to one of the other uniformed persons, "Goddammit, this is the sixth one we've picked up that isn't the right person! Crikey we're bad at our jobs. Ah well, lets jsut dump her on the side of the road, and see if she winds up stumbling onto the nations peanut butter cookie supply."

The next thing Jemima knew she was sprawled on the side of the road. The next thing the woamn with flourescent pink hair knew was that short young ladies deprived of tacos have vocabulary to make a sailor blush.

Highway From Nowhere to Other Nowhere, formerly Mississippi River
Jemima was quite incensed, but she decided the was no point lying in a riverbed wating for prince charming to show up, especially since her boyfriend was probably a six hour drive away. So she got up, dusted off her shirt and went walking.

Soon she came upon what appeared to be a large roll of paper towels. Jemima confidently walked forward, grabbed a sheet then shreiked as right before her eyes it turned into a triangular bar of soap. She ran away as far and as fast as she could. That was probably four hundred meters; she wasn't in the best of shape. the next time she came upon a large object in the road she was much more suspicious. This time it was an eight foot glowing green rat. Upon seeing the creature from a half mile away, Jemima detoured around it.

On that hike she had many adventures, too many to recount here. She riddled with a dragon, drank alcohol derived gasoline, and tripped over her shoelaces not once, not twice, but three times. But finally she came to the gulf of mexico where a pair of shiny white hands grabbed her by her ankles and dragged her underground, despite her frantic screams and a few judiciously placed stink bombs in elven faces.

Underground: Elven City, formerly Disney World
She stopped struggling momentarily to look about her in shock. What had been Space Mountain, was now a mine. What had been Epcot was now covered in elven graffiti. What had been US currency was now a carpet over the streets. All in all it was a glorious temple to elven ingenuity and pizzazz.

But most eyecatching of all? A huge pile of Girl Scout Cookies, hooked to a generator turning what was either a doomsday device or a bizarre ice cream maker. So Jemima did her patriotic duty. She stole a safety match, torched the city and stole a parked car.

She careened up the Highway from Nowhere to Other Nowhere fleeing the massive fireall casued by cheap, flammable disney toys. Until her car ran out of gas a quarter mile away. Jemima sat and contempalted her options. She could walk back home to the Grand Canyon 2.0. She could run from the fireball still behind her. Or she could relax and wait for some sort of prince charming charachter to appear.

She quickly decided upon the latter. The car started getting warmer and warmer. The view outside her window was getting oranger and oranger and she could hear the tires melting. Just as she was bout to make a run for it, she saw a tall fellow ride up to her car on a bright white horse. She clambered onto its (the horse's) back and Jemima and her mysterious rescuer rode off.

Once a safe distance away, she dismounted and asked, "Who are you?" The fellow looked at her for a moment and said, "People deserve happy endings. I make them." He then demonstrated, pulling balloons out of his pocket and weaving them into a series of cursive letters that read, "Happy Endings"

Jemima fled screaming. This guy was clearly much weirder than anything else she had encountered.

THE END

The humor of a story on the internet is in direct inverse proportion to how accurate the reporting is.
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#2 Old 22nd Oct 2007 at 11:13 PM
*clap* You are the bee's knees, Panda.
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